Hey Girls!  The last few days have brought some revelation into my life.  Some of it easier to take than others.  Let me share the easy part first. I said in my first post that Tom and I were both responsible for the current level of communication in our marriage.  He doesn't necessarily like to share his heart.  I haven't always provided an atmosphere of sharing.  There are many factors, and we both contribute to them.

 Tom is a very self sufficient man.  If something needs to be done, he does it.  He never complains.  He never speaks negative.  He never acts on emotion.  He doesn't expect others to do his work for him.  These are wonderful qualities.  However, he has become so self sufficient that he relies solely on himself.  He doesn't need anyone.  He has said it often "I don't need anyone.  I don't need anything."  I don't know if he truly believes that or if he just says that as a way of protecting himself.  Either way, he means it, and he has structured his life and his relationships in such a way that "he does not need anything or anyone".  Now, I know this is not true.  We all need other people.  God designed us to need Him and to need each other.  As women we were created to help our man.  If man was self sufficient, God would have simply populated the earth with men and left it at that!  (yikes, can you imagine the mess.....and the smell?)  I know that Tom needs me.  I know that he needs a personal relationship with the Lord.  I think deep down he knows it too.  For whatever reason, he has trouble accepting that.  And that is where the difficult revelation comes into play......

You see, there is a small part of me that has been relieved that Tom hasn't answered any of the questions that I have asked him.  I thought I got off easy when he wouldn't tell me what irritated him.  I was secretly hoping he would not have anything for me to do yesterday because I had a full day planned with my own stuff.  My own stuff.    Me and my stuff, my stuff and me.  I am happy to be busy doing the things I want to do.  I am happy to be pressing towards my goals.  I am happy to help my friends.  I am happy to work on my writing.  But how happy would I have been if Tom would have said "yes, I need you to run to the bank and then go to this store and pick up this; and I really am hungry for such and such tonite.  Oh Jen, I am so glad you asked me.  I have wanted you to do this for a while, but I thought you were too busy."  I know me girls, I would have probably mumbled "I am too busy" and I would have ruined it all right there!  That was a sad revelation for me girls.  The revelation that there is in fact part of me that is happy about our current relationship.  The selfish part of me that gets to do whatever I want, whenever I want, doesn't like the thought of having to give more of my self and my time to anything other than what I want to do.  When I realized this, I was able to see the message I am sending: "You take care of yourself.  I will take care of myself.  We will both take care of the kids."   It is true.  I confess it.

Now, I could start defending myself to you all.  I could explain how I think this all happened.  But really, does that matter?  I would only be trying to save face if I were to dive into details right now.  Instead, I will simply say I am going to change the things I can.  I am going to put Tom first.  I am going to trust the Lord to take care of me, so I can be the help mate He intended me to be.  Don't worry, I am not going to go into the other ditch and forget all about myself.  I have big dreams and goals and plans.  But how much more fun will they all be when I have Tom at my side to enjoy them with me?  

So there you have it.  Only six days in, and a lifetime's worth of revelation.  God give me wisdom, strength, and courage to do what is right.  I think it goes without saying....but I will say it anyway......please pray for me!

I love you all-
Jen