Day 10 Love is Unconditional
Good Morning Girls! In todays' book reading the author says "the truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. Well Girls, in my situation this morning, I will be purposing to choose love. It is definitely a choice today, and one that is not coming easy for me this morning.
Let me share my feelings with you. Last night, I tried to have a conversation with Tom. The topic was something that should have been totally safe and without emotion. It was a neutral topic, just something that I had questions about. Well, by question number 2 he was already expressing his irritation with me. I sat there for a moment and thought "the very thought of talking to me is exhausting to him." I realized at that moment just how far in the sand my head has been lately regarding our marriage. I tried to talk to him, but didn't get far. He remained cold, distant, and didn't seem to care that my heart was breaking right in front of him. I told him I wanted to be one of the blessings in his life, not one of the burdens he is carrying, he said "you are", but wouldn't even look me in the eye. He was so relieved when I got up and walked away. "I'm going to take out the garbage" he said, and that was the end of our conversation for the evening.....back to our functional exchanges of words.
I crawled in bed and read todays' assignment. Do something that proves your love is based on choice. The only thing that came to mind was to cook him one of his favorites for dinner. He loves beef stroganoff so I decided even though I cannot stand the stuff, I will make it for him. I asked him questions about what is the best kind of steak to use. What's the best way to prepare it. He is a good cook. If I was going to make something he liked, I wanted to make it the way he liked it prepared. I made it clear I wanted to make it special for him, because I know it is one of his favorites. Even then he answered my questions, but with short responses and no signs of "that sounds good". By the time I turned out the light I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, I just wanted to sleep.
For the last couple of nights Tom has been snoring like I've never heard before. He doesn't have a plugged up nose, so I have no idea what is going on. Seriously devil...you're going to torture me with snoring.....how desperate is that! Well, it worked. My emotions, which were already raw from the evening, moved right into anger. I am telling you, I had snapped. I lay there in bed thinking" it is not fair that I should have to go sleep somewhere else. I am the one who gets up early. I am the one who does this, and that". Instead of getting up and going to the spare room, I lay there and think of what a jerk he his. I think about how my friends are e-mailing me and telling me the great things they are learning. They are so excited when they realize their positive list is twice as long as their negative list....I had to work hard to make them equal. I thought about how cruel his lack of affection is. I thought of how I deserve more. I thought about how lonely, unloved, and uncared for I felt by him. I thought how funny it is that me, the one who has a call on her life to encourage and strengthen women, can feel so weak and insecure while laying next to the man she was believing would love her and care for her.
I meditated on the natural misery of it for a while, and then I turned my anger and desperation to the Lord. "why did you have me do this? I was better off a month ago when I was doing my own thing. Now I'm trying to love him and I am getting rejected day after day? Why aren't you piercing his heart? Why aren't you showing him how he's treating me? Why is it always up to me? You wonder why I put myself first.....maybe that is because if I don't, I will be forgotten about!" I cried out a feeble "help me get thru this".
Now I would like to say that the Holy Spirit moved in response to my cries. I would like to say that I have woken up with a renewed sense of strength and purpose. I would like to say that I am excited to go to the store and buy the ingredients for his stroganoff, but I am not. I slept like crap, had bad dreams, and have been up since 4:30. It's all I can do to not have a meltdown right now. But in the midst of all my feelings, let me tell you this: I am choosing to live by faith. I am choosing to love.
Now let me share my faith with you. I serve a God of suddenly's. I serve a God who loves me despite my flaws and my past. I serve a God who would not let me walk through the flames if he wasn't going to be there with me. I serve a God who has plans for me. I serve a God who will allow me to be tested to my limits, but not past them. I serve a God who promises he has plans to prosper me, not harm me. I serve a God who asks nothing from us, but faith. And that is what I will give HIm. As I go about my day. As I go to the grocery store. As I cook this evening. I do so in faith. Faith that this book of assignments serves a purpose greater than my own. Greater than me. Greater than my marriage. It serves a purpose so great that one day we will look back and say "can you believe........" For if it did not serve such a great purpose, it would be easy. The fact that at this very moment I feel broken, only means I am in the perfect position to have the Lord put me back together, as a loving wife, in His way, not mine. So Girls, it's ok if you don't "feel" like doing the assignments. God doesn't tell us to to everything with positive "feelings". No, he says to do all things without grumbling or complaining. So that's what I am going to do!
Assignment:
do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves to you and to them that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. wash her car. Clean the Kitchen. buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. (that's funny, I already do all of those things....oops.....no grumbling....)Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage (I remain from comment here)
Questions:
Has your love in the past been based on your spouse's attributes and behavior, or on your commitment? How can you continue to show love when it's not returned in a way you hoped for?
1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us
Love you all-
Jen
Let me share my feelings with you. Last night, I tried to have a conversation with Tom. The topic was something that should have been totally safe and without emotion. It was a neutral topic, just something that I had questions about. Well, by question number 2 he was already expressing his irritation with me. I sat there for a moment and thought "the very thought of talking to me is exhausting to him." I realized at that moment just how far in the sand my head has been lately regarding our marriage. I tried to talk to him, but didn't get far. He remained cold, distant, and didn't seem to care that my heart was breaking right in front of him. I told him I wanted to be one of the blessings in his life, not one of the burdens he is carrying, he said "you are", but wouldn't even look me in the eye. He was so relieved when I got up and walked away. "I'm going to take out the garbage" he said, and that was the end of our conversation for the evening.....back to our functional exchanges of words.
I crawled in bed and read todays' assignment. Do something that proves your love is based on choice. The only thing that came to mind was to cook him one of his favorites for dinner. He loves beef stroganoff so I decided even though I cannot stand the stuff, I will make it for him. I asked him questions about what is the best kind of steak to use. What's the best way to prepare it. He is a good cook. If I was going to make something he liked, I wanted to make it the way he liked it prepared. I made it clear I wanted to make it special for him, because I know it is one of his favorites. Even then he answered my questions, but with short responses and no signs of "that sounds good". By the time I turned out the light I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, I just wanted to sleep.
For the last couple of nights Tom has been snoring like I've never heard before. He doesn't have a plugged up nose, so I have no idea what is going on. Seriously devil...you're going to torture me with snoring.....how desperate is that! Well, it worked. My emotions, which were already raw from the evening, moved right into anger. I am telling you, I had snapped. I lay there in bed thinking" it is not fair that I should have to go sleep somewhere else. I am the one who gets up early. I am the one who does this, and that". Instead of getting up and going to the spare room, I lay there and think of what a jerk he his. I think about how my friends are e-mailing me and telling me the great things they are learning. They are so excited when they realize their positive list is twice as long as their negative list....I had to work hard to make them equal. I thought about how cruel his lack of affection is. I thought of how I deserve more. I thought about how lonely, unloved, and uncared for I felt by him. I thought how funny it is that me, the one who has a call on her life to encourage and strengthen women, can feel so weak and insecure while laying next to the man she was believing would love her and care for her.
I meditated on the natural misery of it for a while, and then I turned my anger and desperation to the Lord. "why did you have me do this? I was better off a month ago when I was doing my own thing. Now I'm trying to love him and I am getting rejected day after day? Why aren't you piercing his heart? Why aren't you showing him how he's treating me? Why is it always up to me? You wonder why I put myself first.....maybe that is because if I don't, I will be forgotten about!" I cried out a feeble "help me get thru this".
Now I would like to say that the Holy Spirit moved in response to my cries. I would like to say that I have woken up with a renewed sense of strength and purpose. I would like to say that I am excited to go to the store and buy the ingredients for his stroganoff, but I am not. I slept like crap, had bad dreams, and have been up since 4:30. It's all I can do to not have a meltdown right now. But in the midst of all my feelings, let me tell you this: I am choosing to live by faith. I am choosing to love.
Now let me share my faith with you. I serve a God of suddenly's. I serve a God who loves me despite my flaws and my past. I serve a God who would not let me walk through the flames if he wasn't going to be there with me. I serve a God who has plans for me. I serve a God who will allow me to be tested to my limits, but not past them. I serve a God who promises he has plans to prosper me, not harm me. I serve a God who asks nothing from us, but faith. And that is what I will give HIm. As I go about my day. As I go to the grocery store. As I cook this evening. I do so in faith. Faith that this book of assignments serves a purpose greater than my own. Greater than me. Greater than my marriage. It serves a purpose so great that one day we will look back and say "can you believe........" For if it did not serve such a great purpose, it would be easy. The fact that at this very moment I feel broken, only means I am in the perfect position to have the Lord put me back together, as a loving wife, in His way, not mine. So Girls, it's ok if you don't "feel" like doing the assignments. God doesn't tell us to to everything with positive "feelings". No, he says to do all things without grumbling or complaining. So that's what I am going to do!
Assignment:
do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves to you and to them that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. wash her car. Clean the Kitchen. buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. (that's funny, I already do all of those things....oops.....no grumbling....)Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage (I remain from comment here)
Questions:
Has your love in the past been based on your spouse's attributes and behavior, or on your commitment? How can you continue to show love when it's not returned in a way you hoped for?
1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us
Love you all-
Jen
Comments