Good Morning Girls!  Our second day in Cancun Tom was scheduled to golf at some world renowned golf course.  He had to leave at 6am and would be returning by 2pm.  I didn't mind the thought of being on my own for the morning.  I actually kind of liked the idea of a little solitude.  I got up, had a cup of coffee and went for a run.  It felt great to run outside for the first time in months. 

By the time I returned, showered, and ate breakfast, it was only 9am.  I still had 5 hours of solitude left.  Not bad except for the fact that it was now overcast and drizzling.  I tried to take a nap, but couldn't.  I read for awhile, but felt cabin fever setting in.  I decided to walk into town and browse around the shops.  I knew that was something that Tom would not want to do at all so it seemed perfect.

I walked around the shops for awhile, but it's my 4th time to Mexico....I really do not need another sombrero, wooden puppet, or turtle that bobs it's head up and down.  I headed back to the hotel.  It started to rain harder so I went into an indoor mall to walk around.  I went up to the second floor, and there it was......a casino.  I was not prepared for this.  I was prepared for all of the alcohol I would be faced with, but I was not prepared for a casino. 

So there I stood, somewhat dumbfounded, looking into the casino.  The one wall of it was glass, just like a clothing store, and you could see people playing.  I found myself looking, trying to find any of the old machines I used to play.  At the same time I was thinking "walk, no run,  there is nothing to look at!".  For those of you who don't know, I had a gambling problem years ago.  I spent thousands of dollars playing mindless slot machines.  I wasted money and time trying to escape the reality of my life.  It has been over 5 years since I stepped foot in a casino.

So the internal dialog began.  "Don't do it Jen, you know you will be angry with yourself if you do."  "Jen, you are on vacation.  You haven't spent any money.  It's just for fun."  "Jen, you gave this up long ago.  why would you want to go back?".  "Let's just watch these people here, if one of them wins anything, we're going in."  "You know you are not going to win anything.  Even if you did, you would not feel good about it.  Besides, you couldn't tell anyone about it either!"  "Jen, it's raining.  Tom's golfing.  You still have hours until he is back.  If he gets to golf, why shouldn't you get to do something fun?"  It went on and on.  I must have looked like a 5 year old standing outside a candy store with my face pressed against the glass.

The opposing forces were hard at work.  The enemy of my faith was trying to lead me back to who I was.  The Holy Spirit was trying to save me from myself.  Both of them knew that if I stepped foot into the casino it would bring me spiraling downward fast.  It's not that I would return home and start going back to the casino on a weekly basis.  No, what would most likely happen is that I would be overwhelmed with pain.  I would be angry with myself.  I would feel like I disappointed God (which is not true by the way).  The enemy would wait until I stepped out and he would start the mental warfare with a vengeance.  It was just as it says in Galatians 5 17: the two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions....

So what did I do?  Did I win big money?  Am I drowning in guilt and self loathing?  No!  I walked away.  I walked away so that I may write you all this message to remind you of the truth.  Praise the Lord! I am able to carry out my good intentions.......

Galatians 5:24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there!

Love you all (and you can safely bet on that!)
Jen