So nothing happened on that first day of writing.  I would be lying if I said I did not second guess myself a little that day.  In fact, I still second guess myself at times.  When I feel a little worked up I have to sit back, relax and remind myself that this is not me, trying to get attention.  It truly is a desire that was put in my heart by God.  I believe my words are inspired by the Holy Spirit;  therefore, I cannot get the credit, nor do I receive the complaint.
I have grown in so many ways through this process.  The lesson I continue to learn daily, is that I am truly doing this unto the Lord, not unto men (or should I say the "Girls").  I am still struggling with this.  I still have this need to know.....I mean know as in receive verbal confirmation know, that my messages are speaking to others, and somehow helping them in some way.  Even if it is simply a smile I can bring them in the middle of their day.  I am kind of a nut about it in fact.  I hate to admit this weakness, but I check for comments to my blogs about 42 bazillion times a day....."Hello.....are you out there?  Am I making sense to you?  Do you think I am a nut job?  Should I keep writing?  Should I stop? Am I wasting your time?  Am I wasting my time?  It's not like I don't have other things I could do you know.  My kids are wearing clothes 2 sizes too small because I am behind on laundry, but I care so much for you all that I decided to spend my time writing.  Are you getting anything out of it?  Please, would some one please take 2 seconds and send me a stinkin' comment!  At this point I don't even care if it's a mean one.  I just want to hear from you!" 
Seriously, I have days like that.  Especially when I write something very personal or vulnerable.  I am not confessing these things so you all (if there even is a you all) will start sending me comments.  I have considered begging in the past, but have passed.  I have passed because I know this is part of the growing up the Lord wants me to do.  He wants me to be confident in who I am, and what I am doing.   He wants me to be able to stand my ground, and continue to do what is in my heart, regardless of the response or reaction to it.  One day when I was having a particularly bad case of the "what is the point of this?" I had a little mini fit with the Lord.  He said, "are you learning anything while you do this?".  "Yes", I said, in the way hormonal teenagers answer their mothers.  "Then don't be concerned about what is happening on the other side."  "Yeah.....but" I started to say.  The thing is, as soon as you say "yeah....but", to God, you realize their is nothing more you can say to persuade Him you are right and He is wrong.  The only thing after the"but" is you.
Now God is not so strict in His teaching that He doesn't acknowledge our emotional needs.  He has put in place women who are gifted in the area of encouragement.  Praise the Lord, they understand their gift, and they offer me encouragement when the Lord directs them to.  It's funny.  I will be going along just fine, and suddenly I feel myself getting a little anxious about what I am working on, and I start checking for comments in an unflattering, addictive way.  And then, I finally say "whatever", and throw up my arms and surrender my work to the Lord again.  Within a day or two, I receive a wonderful heartfelt comment that re energizes me, and keeps me going.  It happens all the time.  I truly believe the Lord knows exactly where my "breaking point" is, and when I just about hit it, He sends one of His Encouragement Girls to save me.   Then Him and I have ourselves a little chuckle about what a whineball baby I am.  I say "thank you Lord" and He says "get back to work".
This has been the cycle of the last two years.  I write.  I freak.  I just about quit.  I surrender.  I receive encouragement.  I calm down.  I write again.  One of these days I think I will understand that if I simply remove mySELF out of the equation I will be left with writing.  That's it.  Confident writing.  Confident that I am in fact hearing the Lord correctly.  Following Him in the way He directs me.  Actually believing the crazy idea that I may be a vessel the Lord has chosen to minister to other Girls.   Aaahhhhhh, that will be nice.  Maybe today is the day it which that new life- the life without me freaking, doubting, panicking, and needing constant encouragement will begin.  I doubt it though, as I am already wondering what you all will think of today's writing.  Bless the Lord oh my soul.....this Girl needs help!