Good Morning Girls!  I had a good weekend as far as activities and fun.  I had a good balance of getting things done, and relaxing and enjoying myself.  That part was great.  Emotionally though, I had a bad weekend.  I was all over the place.  One minute I was happy as can be.  The next minute I was choking on the lump in my throat.  Then I was overcome with thankfulness and peace....only to be next feel anger and frustration.  I could hardly look at Tom without firing daggers out of my eyes.  I experienced waves of jealousy, insecurity, greediness, and self pity.  It was not good!
I hate it when my feelings get away from me.  I tried so hard to keep them under control.  I did not feel like myself at all.  At times I would mumble to the Lord "Perhaps it's time you just cut me loose.....I don't seem to be growing in you at all."  I really meant it!  I just felt like I was never going to get my life back on track.  It's always 2 steps forward- 1 step back.  Normally I can recognize the progress of the 1 step, but this weekend I could not.  As much as I know this is not accurate, I felt as though I must be a huge disappointment to the Lord.  "I was a much better pagan than I am a Christian" I thought.  And you know me, I like to be best at whatever I do!  I'm telling you, it was emotionally and spiritually awful!
There is only one thing that can pull me out of the mental battlefield when it gets that serious.  That one thing is awesome praise and worship time.  I am telling you, if you get to that dark place where you think all of heaven is better off if you go back to the other team, you need to lift your hands to the Lord and sing.  It is the only thing that brings me emotional clarity.
Praise the Lord, our church has the Fifth Service!  I am telling you, if you want to get rid of the baggage, and praise the Lord at the same time, there is no better place.  The singers there are some of the most talented I have ever heard.  The music is so powerful you can't help but jump around like you are at a Lalapalooza concert.  It is so goooooood.  You just need to get over the fact that you seem like the old geezer jumping around all these young adults....but once you do, you are free to bless the Lord like never before! 
So there I was, Sunday night, praising my little heart out.  Releasing the frustration and garbage.  All the icky feelings I had been having came flooding through my mind.  I asked the Lord to get rid of all of the junk "Lord, please get rid of the jealousy, the anger, the fear, the greed, the roller coaster of emotions."  Then I stopped, because I had a real icky thought.  I had felt so consumed with feelings of doubt and insecurity all weekend.  I was so sure I was working my way out of been used by God.  I felt like there was nothing good left, it was all yuck.  I raised my hands higher and said "Lord, if you get rid of all the junk, all the garbage, what's left?"  "ME"  Was the immediate response I got!  How awesome is that!  How true is that!  How much do we need to remember that?! 
When we get rid of the crap, we are not empty.  No.  When we get rid of the crap, we have made room for the Lord to grow and dwell within us.  He is always there, there are just times when we make Him smaller, because we are holding on to so much garbage, we are squeezing Him out!  If we let it go, and give it to Him, He will fill all of those places that once held all the negative feelings and emotions. 
When we get rid of the crap......we are left with Him!  Oh Girls......God is good!  Let Him fill your hearts today.  Let Him strengthen and reinforce you.  Give Him room!

Ephesians 3:16 May He grant you out of the rich treasury of His glory to be strengthened and reinforced with mighty power in the inner man by the Holy Spirit Himself indwelling your innermost being and personality

Love you all-
Jen