Good Morning Girls!  I shared with you all yesterday the struggle I had with anger and depression after my dad died.  At first I was so busy with all the choices that had to be made that I didn't have time to be angry.  However, when the funeral was over, and the work was done, the enemy of our faith rounded up his army and went to work.  It was an intense battle that I cannot quite put into words, but I will try.
Throughout our lives we are faced with many decisions, many choices.  Some of them big ones, most of them small.  Often times we have no idea the effect a decision we make is going to have on our lives long term.  Years later we look back and say "I never knew that choice would bring me to this place." or "What if I would have chosen that?"  We marvel at how our choices lead us to a certain place in our lives....thankful we made the right choice.....or trying to correct a choice that was made in error.  Usually, when we are faced with a choice, we have limited knowledge of the exact outcome.  We base our choice on what we think is going to happen.  What we believe to be the best.  What we believe the Lord is telling us to do.
As I lay in my bed, I was well aware of the Choice I had to make.  I was well aware of the outcome of each choice.  I was well aware of the magnitude of importance of this choice.  I was well aware of the right choice.  I was well aware of the wrong choice.  I had chosen each road before.  I knew them well.  As much as I knew the Choice I was supposed to take, it took me a few days to choose it. 
The first option was the road of depression and death.  I had traveled it before, and I knew it well.  As I lay in bed I had visions of my life a year from now, 5 years from now.  I pictured myself drunk, fat, angry, bitter, and lost.  I pictured myself sitting at the casino, among the other lost people desperately hoping to win...not for the money....but so for one minute I would feel like a  winner instead of a loser.  I pictured my kids faces, sad and distorted, wondering what had happened to their mom.  I pictured myself walking around numb to it all.  Using everything the world had to offer to get through each day.  I also clearly saw that one day I would "wake up" and desire more again.  One day I would want to go back to this time and make the other choice.  I felt the pain, the frustration, the regret.  I felt it all as though it had all happened.
Why then would I still consider this choice?  Simple.....it was familiar....it was predictable.  I knew it would end in pain, but there was something appealing about this knowledge.  "At least there would be no more surprises" I thought.  Yes, I would be in pain, but it would be my controlled pain.  There were times when I felt it draw me in so deep that I had to remind myself to breath.  I felt myself slipping away.
But the other choice was also calling me.  There was always this piece of my heart that was crying for help.....crying to be heard.  Crying out for reinforcement.  And God heard those cries.  And He sent you all.  I could not pray during this time.  I could not open my bible during this time.  I couldn't pro actively make this choice.  The choice for the Lord.  I knew it was the right choice, but I didn't like it as much now as I had just a couple weeks previous to my dad's death.
Choosing the Lord seemed more unpredictable.  Sure, we have the victory, but there is so much more warfare.  I felt so tired.  I was done with all the battles of my life.  I knew the Lord had plans for me....I just didn't know if I wanted to be part of them any longer.  I felt a little betrayed....confused.....hurt....by the very One who had been going out of His way to let me know how much He loved me.  I wasn't sure if I would ever have the strength to engage again.  I wanted to call Renee and tell her I was done.  I would not be returning to HomeMakers.  I was sure I had absolutely nothing left to offer anyone.  I would have called her, but it seemed like too much work to pick up the phone.  Also, there was a part of me that knew she would make me feel better, and I wasn't ready for that.  I didn't want anyone else interfering with my Choice.  I had to make it on my own.
 I believe there are many people who experience this similar Choice...even after they are born again.  I also believe that what makes some people choose death instead of life is the people in their lives.  I have never before experienced the effect of outside prayer like I did over the last few weeks.  When I would slip a little further, I could actually feel my spirit being pulled back.  It was like there was a climbers rope of protection around me...not allowing me to slip too far down.  I felt a spiritual battle going on around me, over my life, even though I was not actively engaged in it.  Everyone else was fighting my battle for me! 
And finally, I made the Choice.  I chose to follow the Lord.  I chose to believe He is good.  He is faithful.  He is true.  As soon as I made the Choice, I was set free!  Again, I can't explain it.  I consciously decided to choose life, and suddenly I felt fully restored and refreshed.  Now I know I will still have many moments where I miss my dad.  I may even get angry once in a while.  But the Choice has been made.  I choose life!  Life with the Lord.  Life with all of you!  Life that is unpredictable....but blessed.
Thank you to all who fought my battle while I was too weak to.  May I live a life worthy of the call the Lord has placed.  May I return the favor to you all in some small way. 

Deuteronomy 30:19 "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses.  Now i call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make.  Oh, that you would choose life, so that you may live!"

Love and thanks to you all-
Jen