Does Anyone Know I am Hurting Here?????!!!!!
Good Morning Girls! There are times in all of our lives when we are hurting. I have always felt it easier to bear the pain when I am surrounded by others who knew and understood what I was going through. There is comfort in the support of others. I do not want people to feel sorry for me. However, I do like it when I feel like those around me understand what is going on in my life.
When my dad went home to the Lord, my family was together all the time. I felt the best when I was with everyone else. It was easier to pretend that everything was the same when we were together. Often times when my family was together us girls were the loud and obnoxious ones (go figure) and my dad and the rest of the men were downstairs talking and being mellow. So over the holidays we were together a lot, and there were many times when it just felt like dad was in the basement like usual. Sure, I knew that was not the case, but I found comfort in the way it felt.
We were together for a week straight. Every single day most of the family was together. We were on our own time. Our schedules were clear. All we had to do is be together. "This isn't so bad" I often thought. "This is a lot easier than I imagined. I think I am going to be okay." And I was....until the time came when everyone had to say good bye and get back to their routines.
It felt so weird to run errands with the loss of my dad so heavy in my heart. I felt like I wanted everyone around me to know and understand what I was going through. When I was pregnant with Charley, I remember telling everyone I came into contact with. I would find ways to work it into conversation.....well, even if it didn't fit into conversation I would work it in. "And your total is $24.95" the check-out girl would say. "Sounds good.....oh and I am pregnant....yeah it's my first....I'm really excited..." People would often give me the "that's nice....what a weirdo" look. I didn't care though. I just wanted everyone to know why I had this little mischievous smile on my face. I wanted everyone to know how excited I was.....how happy I was....how full my heart was.
I suddenly felt myself in the same situation...only this time I wanted everyone to know why my face looked a little distorted. Why my make-up was always half on/half-off. Why I was maybe a little less patient with my kids. Why a cloud of sorrow hung over me. I wanted everyone to know what had happened, simply so I could feel understood. Not pitied for.....just understood.
I fought the urge to drop this negative news like a bomb with everyone I came into contact with. The time that sticks out in my mind the most is the time I went to Pizza Hut to pick up a pizza. My in-laws had blessed us with a $100 gift card to Pizza Hut....knowing that my kids love Pizza Hut, and I would not be in the mood to cook for a while (especially since I am never in the mood to cook). It was a generous gift given as a sympathy gift for my dad. Well I went to Pizza Hut to pick up a pizza and the kid who checked me out ran the gift card and said "Wow! Someone gave you an AWESOME Christmas gift!". I looked at him and used all the restraint I had. I smiled and said "Yeah...pretty cool huh?" What my heart wanted to scream was "It was not a Christmas gift....It was a "sorry your dad died gift!!!" I believe it was the grace of God that saved me from myself. That poor kid would have felt like an idiot, and I would not have felt any better. Praise the Lord, even in the midst of sadness, the Holy Spirit gave my tongue self control!
It was at that moment that I realized that I do not need to inform the world of my loss....of my sadness....of my grief. They do not need to know I am hurting. They do not need to know because there is nothing they can do to help me, or to change the situation. The only thing it does is bring them down.
I am surrounded my so many people, like you Girls, whom the Lord has placed in my life to support me. You are the ones who can offer me true reprieve from the sadness. You already have in fact. I can honestly say again this morning that I love my life. I am excited for the plans the Lord has in store for me and my family. I believe that God will make good things come out of this. I believe He already has. Not only have you all showed so much support, but I also know that the Lord is well aware of the tears I have shed, and have yet to shed. He knows every detail of my heart....and He is truly the only one who can (and has) healed it. He knows every tear, every hour of lost sleep....and He will turn it to good and redeem those tears and turn them to smiles!
Psalm 56:8 You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book
Love and thanks to you all-
Jen
When my dad went home to the Lord, my family was together all the time. I felt the best when I was with everyone else. It was easier to pretend that everything was the same when we were together. Often times when my family was together us girls were the loud and obnoxious ones (go figure) and my dad and the rest of the men were downstairs talking and being mellow. So over the holidays we were together a lot, and there were many times when it just felt like dad was in the basement like usual. Sure, I knew that was not the case, but I found comfort in the way it felt.
We were together for a week straight. Every single day most of the family was together. We were on our own time. Our schedules were clear. All we had to do is be together. "This isn't so bad" I often thought. "This is a lot easier than I imagined. I think I am going to be okay." And I was....until the time came when everyone had to say good bye and get back to their routines.
It felt so weird to run errands with the loss of my dad so heavy in my heart. I felt like I wanted everyone around me to know and understand what I was going through. When I was pregnant with Charley, I remember telling everyone I came into contact with. I would find ways to work it into conversation.....well, even if it didn't fit into conversation I would work it in. "And your total is $24.95" the check-out girl would say. "Sounds good.....oh and I am pregnant....yeah it's my first....I'm really excited..." People would often give me the "that's nice....what a weirdo" look. I didn't care though. I just wanted everyone to know why I had this little mischievous smile on my face. I wanted everyone to know how excited I was.....how happy I was....how full my heart was.
I suddenly felt myself in the same situation...only this time I wanted everyone to know why my face looked a little distorted. Why my make-up was always half on/half-off. Why I was maybe a little less patient with my kids. Why a cloud of sorrow hung over me. I wanted everyone to know what had happened, simply so I could feel understood. Not pitied for.....just understood.
I fought the urge to drop this negative news like a bomb with everyone I came into contact with. The time that sticks out in my mind the most is the time I went to Pizza Hut to pick up a pizza. My in-laws had blessed us with a $100 gift card to Pizza Hut....knowing that my kids love Pizza Hut, and I would not be in the mood to cook for a while (especially since I am never in the mood to cook). It was a generous gift given as a sympathy gift for my dad. Well I went to Pizza Hut to pick up a pizza and the kid who checked me out ran the gift card and said "Wow! Someone gave you an AWESOME Christmas gift!". I looked at him and used all the restraint I had. I smiled and said "Yeah...pretty cool huh?" What my heart wanted to scream was "It was not a Christmas gift....It was a "sorry your dad died gift!!!" I believe it was the grace of God that saved me from myself. That poor kid would have felt like an idiot, and I would not have felt any better. Praise the Lord, even in the midst of sadness, the Holy Spirit gave my tongue self control!
It was at that moment that I realized that I do not need to inform the world of my loss....of my sadness....of my grief. They do not need to know I am hurting. They do not need to know because there is nothing they can do to help me, or to change the situation. The only thing it does is bring them down.
I am surrounded my so many people, like you Girls, whom the Lord has placed in my life to support me. You are the ones who can offer me true reprieve from the sadness. You already have in fact. I can honestly say again this morning that I love my life. I am excited for the plans the Lord has in store for me and my family. I believe that God will make good things come out of this. I believe He already has. Not only have you all showed so much support, but I also know that the Lord is well aware of the tears I have shed, and have yet to shed. He knows every detail of my heart....and He is truly the only one who can (and has) healed it. He knows every tear, every hour of lost sleep....and He will turn it to good and redeem those tears and turn them to smiles!
Psalm 56:8 You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book
Love and thanks to you all-
Jen
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