Good Morning Girls!  I have a bit of an emotional hangover today.  I went to the cemetery yesterday to see my dad (that sounds so weird).  It was the first time I had been there now that the snow has melted.  I grabbed a blanket and went to sit in the sun.  My dad loved the sun.  He took afternoon naps in the sun all the time.  Wouldn’t you know…..I sat there in the sun while he was shaded.  When I told my mom she said “Don’t tell him….or he will be upset!”

She seems to be doing so well.  I wonder if she ever breaks down sobbing like I do.  It usually happens about once a week.  I will be fine one minute and the next I will find myself crying as I think of all of the upcoming family traditions that will be held without him.  I have “allowed” myself this breakdown once a week.  I have “allowed” it to last about ten minutes.  Then I walk into the bathroom, wipe the tears away, look into the mirror and say “That’s enough.  Stop crying.” And I move on with my life.

I have wondered if that was the best way to deal with it.  If this “controlled” emotion was healthy or not.  I mean, if I let myself walk around crying all the time what good does that serve anyone?  At the same time, if I continue to pretend my life hasn’t changed, is that going to crash in on me somehow?  Will my heart become so closed off that I do not feel anything?  I go back and forth trying to do what I feel is best. 

I drive past the cemetery almost every day, more than once.  So many times I drive right by without even thinking about my dad.  Then I feel awful for being so wrapped up in my life.  The thought of going to the cemetery makes me cry, so I haven’t gone.  The last time I went with my mom and sisters I stayed in the car….paralyzed.  Unable to do anything besides cry and hold back the desire to scream at the top of my lungs.  I stared straight ahead until my mom said “It’s okay, we can go…..let’s go get some coffee.”  Let’s go get some coffee.  One little sentence and my life goes back to my new normal.  Drinking coffee with my mom, pretending dad is simply at the YMCA doing one of his 3 hour workouts.

I forced myself to go yesterday.  I knew all morning I was going to go, and every time I thought about it I would start to cry.  I sat there sobbing for a half hour.  I couldn’t take it so I would text my friend or my sister every few minutes.  Nice.  Nothing like using text messaging as a pain buffer……guess it’s better than tequila though.  After 30 minutes it was time to pick up Thomas from pre school.  Time to be a mom again.  Once again I told myself “Stop crying. That’s enough.”  I went on with my day, thinking I had got it all out.  I had purged the grief good.  I was set for a few weeks anyway.  I felt exhausted so I passed out on the couch for 40 minutes when I got home.

So everything is fine right?  I thought so……until I went to my meeting at church last night.  I felt a little spacey but otherwise fine…..until I walked into the room.  The room was packed more than normal, and to make matters worse, someone was sitting in my usual spot (this is so embarrassing).  Yes, someone was in my spot.  Now normally I would not have cared.  But somehow, last night, when I saw someone else sitting where I wanted to be sitting sent this message to my whacked out emotional brain.  It screamed out “you have no control over anything.  Your life can change in a split second and you just have to deal!”  and at that very moment I did not want to deal.  I wanted my chair back.  More than my stupid chair, I wanted my dad back.  Again, I had to use full restraint not to scream and say “I love the Lord but I also think everything sucks right now!”  I wanted to leave the meeting as quickly as I had entered it.

These meetings are usually my favorite.  They are so fun and energizing.  Last night however, I spent the first hour just trying not to fall apart.  The easiest way was to turn my sadness into anger for a bit.  But guess what….everyone else was still having fun.  I so wanted to engage, but I couldn’t.  I tried to smile but my face felt like concrete.  I tried to speak but was afraid that if I opened my mouth I would come down with trets syndrome.  So I sat there….wondering what was happening…..and what was going to happen to me…..was this how life was going to be for me moving forward?

By the end of the meeting I was able to smile and laugh a bit.  I still wasn’t myself, but I was at least slowly getting pulled out of the pit.  I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on, but there are some who know me too well “And Lord I just thank you that if anyone came in here tonight feeling heavy or burdened by things in their life….that you were able to minister to them and bring them joy through our laughter” Renee prayed at the end.  “Busted” I thought to myself.

But she was right.  Though I wanted to run, I didn’t.  And though I wasn’t my usual obnoxious self, by the end of the meeting I was able to smile and think about things other than the things I was mad about for the moment.  And though I am still working through and processing the grief….I will take as much laughter along the way that I can get.  For it truly relieves the heavy heart!

Proverbs 14:13  Laughter can conceal a heavy heart

Love, peace, and thanks to you all,
Jen