Good Morning Girls.  Well I may as well start of with a confession......I am forcing myself to sit down at the computer this morning and write.  I have no idea what I am going to say- though my mind has plenty things racing around inside it these days.  I am in fact going through the motions.  I am hoping that by sitting down and going through the motions it will get me back on track.  I find myself doing that a lot lately- going through the motions that is.  Twenty six days since I last wrote.  If you were to ask me what I've accomplished over that time I wouldn't have much to say, other than survive the first three weeks of the INSANITY workout dvd series.....the one thing that makes me feel good about myself these days.
Not sure what happened.  I thought I was dealing with the loss of my dad pretty well until I noticed that I had slowly become unraveled.  By the time I realized what had happened, I didn't care much.  I've only seen one of my friends, and I haven't even talked to the rest.  Returning a phone call, or even a text, sounds like a lot of work these days.  Besides, I don't really have anything to say these days.  Not anything of value anyway.
How pathetic does all of that sound?  Ugh...it makes me want to barf....yet that is the thought life I am constantly fighting these days.  Constantly wondering if I have passed the point of no return.  If I will ever figure out my life.  If I will ever really know my purpose, and fulfill it....or be able to fulfill it.....or willing to fulfill it.  Sometimes I don't even want a purpose.  I just want to move to the mountains where I do not have to interact with anyone.  Where I can just be by myself with myself...though we all know I would drive myself crazy....(my friends and I refer to this as my Una Bomber moments).
So I know the only One with the answers to my doubts, fears, and questions, is the Lord...and to be honest with you that kind of bums me out, since I feel so far from Him these days.  Not to mention I am a little bit irritated with Him because sometimes it feels like it is all way harder than it needs to be.  I mean, why can't I just say "Lord....what should I do next year when Thomas starts school"  and have an audible voice return an answer?  Is that so hard?  I want to live out His will and His plan.....but I am just so tired of waiting on that still small voice....the voice that I haven't heard in a while.....the voice that I wonder if I will even recognize anymore....the voice that the enemy has told me has moved on to someone else who "has it more together than I do".
So that's my summer so far....how about you all?  (see, I haven't completely lost my sense of humor.....it's just a little inappropriate at times is all).  If you are worried about me, don't.  Despite the whining and complaining.....despite my frustration and anger......despite my glass is half empty moments, I do still believe that God is in control and has it all figured out.  When I was having one of my angry prayer moments yesterday (I have a lot of those) the Lord quickened to my heart that there are people hurting everywhere.  My first response was to tell him to make everything okay for everyone all the time...because He is God and He could do that.  But I knew even as I said it that it was not the answer He was looking for.  The answer is to let the Lord work through me and to use my experience and pain to help someone else with theirs.  Not sure I accomplished that today.....but at least I tried.....and that's really all He asks from us.
I do pray you are all doing well.  And I hope to be back tomorrow.......

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.  We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.  We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

Love, thanks, and peace to you all,
Jen