Husky Girl
Good Morning Girls! When I signed on to my computer this morning, an add for Old Navy's Stuff and Save Sale came up. I clicked on the boys jeans section to see how much jeans cost these days. The size selection screen came up and there I saw it.....the dreaded word. The word that brought me right back to my childhood. The word that apparently still haunts me, since when I read it I felt as though someone had just kicked me in the gut.
The word is husky. Not as in in the beautiful fluffy dog with ice blue eyes and a tail that curls up. Husky....as in fat. Too fat for "normal" kids clothes. Too fat to simply wear a bigger size. No....we have a "special" sizing for you fat kids and guess what.....we let everybody know it. I don't know if they are still marked the same today as they were when I was a kid, but I know for a fact that my old Levi's had a big brown tag on the back belt line that would read 12H.....H being for Husky. This let everyone know that I was too fat for the "normal" jeans......as if they couldn't tell by simply looking at me!
I have vivid memories of going back to school shopping. Vivid, awful memories. I desperately wanted to wear whatever cute Esprit or Guess styles were out for the fall. However, I was limited in my selection due to my size. Picking out pants was the worst. My sister and I often recall a time when not only did I refuse to buy pants with the dreaded H on the label.....I was insistent on getting some with an S. The S stands for Slim. Slim as in "better than normal". Slim as in "my life will always be a little better than the rest of you average size people......never mind you husky's". Slim as in superior. Slim as in perfect. Slim as in self-controlled, disciplined, and beautiful.
One fall I had had enough. I was going to wear a tag with an S. I tried on countless pairs of pants. I just kept going up in size until I found a pair with an S that I could get on. They were 6 sizes bigger than my normal H size and the length was about 8 inches too long. The were 18S.....I had arrived! I remember it like it was yesterday....and for the first time ever, I am realizing that that husky girl.....that husky girl who desperately wanted to be slim.....is still with me every time I step foot in a fitting room.
I have known for a long time now that I have a lot of unresolved issues with my weight....with the way I see myself....and with my relationship with food. I have known, and I have tried to address it. I know it is much more than simply needing to go on a sugar fast, to count my calories, or to give up carbs. Those have all been temporary solutions. I am realizing that in the same way I was once a slim and fit girl trapped in a fat, husky body, my mind acts like I am still a fat kid.....a fat kid trapped inside a fit body.
I have read countless diet books. They often talk about releasing the inner fit person within. Today, I see for the first time, that I need to release the inner fat girl from within. I have carried her along with me long enough. The weight of her is heavy....in so many ways. It's time to let her go.
I don't know how. I have prayed for healing time and again. I have tried to "control" it with my food....but it often backfires on me. I don't know what to do....but I trust God does. I believe He has already been working on me over the last 5 years. This morning's revelation is huge. I could never really put a finger on my feelings before....but thanks to my friends at Old Navy....and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit......I see things a little more clearly. It's a start.
I had no intention of writing about this today. It just all sort of happened as I sat down. However, I have been writing long enough to trust the Lord at this "process"....we will see where it takes us.
I leave for Wisconsin today. I hope to write. However, if I am not able to find wireless in the woods, don't worry that I have fallen into the pit.....I will for sure be back in a week.
Psalm 119:81 I am worn out waiting for your rescue, but I have put my hope in your word!
Love, thanks, and light hearts to you all,
Jen
The word is husky. Not as in in the beautiful fluffy dog with ice blue eyes and a tail that curls up. Husky....as in fat. Too fat for "normal" kids clothes. Too fat to simply wear a bigger size. No....we have a "special" sizing for you fat kids and guess what.....we let everybody know it. I don't know if they are still marked the same today as they were when I was a kid, but I know for a fact that my old Levi's had a big brown tag on the back belt line that would read 12H.....H being for Husky. This let everyone know that I was too fat for the "normal" jeans......as if they couldn't tell by simply looking at me!
I have vivid memories of going back to school shopping. Vivid, awful memories. I desperately wanted to wear whatever cute Esprit or Guess styles were out for the fall. However, I was limited in my selection due to my size. Picking out pants was the worst. My sister and I often recall a time when not only did I refuse to buy pants with the dreaded H on the label.....I was insistent on getting some with an S. The S stands for Slim. Slim as in "better than normal". Slim as in "my life will always be a little better than the rest of you average size people......never mind you husky's". Slim as in superior. Slim as in perfect. Slim as in self-controlled, disciplined, and beautiful.
One fall I had had enough. I was going to wear a tag with an S. I tried on countless pairs of pants. I just kept going up in size until I found a pair with an S that I could get on. They were 6 sizes bigger than my normal H size and the length was about 8 inches too long. The were 18S.....I had arrived! I remember it like it was yesterday....and for the first time ever, I am realizing that that husky girl.....that husky girl who desperately wanted to be slim.....is still with me every time I step foot in a fitting room.
I have known for a long time now that I have a lot of unresolved issues with my weight....with the way I see myself....and with my relationship with food. I have known, and I have tried to address it. I know it is much more than simply needing to go on a sugar fast, to count my calories, or to give up carbs. Those have all been temporary solutions. I am realizing that in the same way I was once a slim and fit girl trapped in a fat, husky body, my mind acts like I am still a fat kid.....a fat kid trapped inside a fit body.
I have read countless diet books. They often talk about releasing the inner fit person within. Today, I see for the first time, that I need to release the inner fat girl from within. I have carried her along with me long enough. The weight of her is heavy....in so many ways. It's time to let her go.
I don't know how. I have prayed for healing time and again. I have tried to "control" it with my food....but it often backfires on me. I don't know what to do....but I trust God does. I believe He has already been working on me over the last 5 years. This morning's revelation is huge. I could never really put a finger on my feelings before....but thanks to my friends at Old Navy....and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit......I see things a little more clearly. It's a start.
I had no intention of writing about this today. It just all sort of happened as I sat down. However, I have been writing long enough to trust the Lord at this "process"....we will see where it takes us.
I leave for Wisconsin today. I hope to write. However, if I am not able to find wireless in the woods, don't worry that I have fallen into the pit.....I will for sure be back in a week.
Psalm 119:81 I am worn out waiting for your rescue, but I have put my hope in your word!
Love, thanks, and light hearts to you all,
Jen
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