Good Morning Girls!  I have prayed for deliverance from my weight for years.  I have prayed that God would help me not eat so much.  I prayed that he would take away my appetite.  I prayed that he would give me the right workouts.  I prayed that he would help me be thin.  Every morning my first prayer was a plea about me and my weight.  And every evening as I stood before the mirror feeling disgusted I would ask him to help me get it right the next day.......

There have been many periods of temporary victory along the way.  Times when my desire, no my NEED to be thin was stronger than my desire to eat and I would lose the weight.  My life was supposed to be perfect at that point.  But it never was.  My kids still argued.  My husband still didn't rush to me every evening telling me how beautiful I was.  I still had to clean my house and run the errands.  And worst of all I was still me on the inside.  I was still fat!

So time and again I would rebel against this process.  I would hit that magical weight and realize I was still not perfect and I would show the world that I didn't care.  I would show them by eating what I wanted when I wanted.  Nope.  I take that back.  I would eat whatever I believed I wasn't supposed to have and I would eat it until I felt sick.  It had nothing to do with what I wanted.  It had everything to do with making sure my outside lined up with the inside.  The disgust I felt about myself on the inside would reflect in my disgusting outside. I have done this over and over and over again for years.

In June of 2010 I was set free from dieting.  I had hands laid on me and I knew as I knew I had been set free.  I left that church service feeling as though I were floating on air!  It was great!  I vowed I would NEVER EVER diet again.  It was amazing.  But there was a big problem......

I still had to eat!  I still had to deal with food.  I didn't know how to eat if I was not on a "diet" that was prescribed by someone else.  I felt lost.  Can I eat this?  Should I eat that?  After years of counting calories and following authorized food lists it is hard to re wire your brain. 

I have spent the last year trying to figure this food thing out.  I would set up some "guidelines"....just a couple "rules" to keep me in check.  I realized that I was so accustomed to rules that I didn't feel safe without them.  I was like one of those prisoners who after years of been held in captivity walks out of prison without knowing how to live in the outside world.  I created "petty crimes" trying to get caught and show the Lord why I needed to stay in prison.  Surely I cannot be trusted on the outside!  Yes, prison is torture- but it is predictable.  I have learned the rules.  I have come to know what to expect.  It is a pain I am comfortable with.

It not like the fear of the unknown.  What if I get super fat?  What if I go on an eating rampage and close down every all you can eat buffet in town?  What if I lose all my friends?  What if?  What if?  What if?

So I had my mini rules.  Rules that I thought would fly under the "set free from dieting" radar.  Who was I kidding?  Did I really think I was getting away with anything?  My focus on myself told me I was the same old Jen just repackaged to make it look as though I were new and improved.

Well as the year went on I knew that things were not right.  I knew that when I was set free I was set free from all things diet.....which included the self loathing and fear of being fat.  I was tempted by many a new shiny diet but every time I got close to launching full board the Lord would speak to my heart and I was convicted time and time again that I was not to go back down that road.

So there I was- unable to diet but unable to shake the fat- both internally and externally. I prayed over and over again for the Lord to set me straight.  I didn't feel any answers at first.  The only response I felt was "do not diet".  I was frustrated and weary, and very close to giving up.

The Lord waited until I was at the end of myself to speak to my heart.  I believe he waited until I was really ready to hear.  Ready to listen.  And ready to live day by day, step by step, and direction by direction- regardless of how crazy those steps and directions sounded to my dieting brain.

I have already received a few steps.  I will share them with you.  However, as I share them I want you to realize that these are MY steps.  Not YOUR steps.  I am not prescribing a new "non diet diet".  I am bringing you on the journey the Lord has me on so that you can see first hand that the Lord truly does answer our prayers, order our steps, and work in wonderfully mysterious ways!!! 


Psalm 27:11  Teach me how to live, O Lord.  Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me (in my case my enemies are my thoughts along with all of the million diets out there!)
Love, grace, and teachable moments to you all-
Jen