Good Morning Girls!  Yesterday I told you that I would share some of the latest training techniques my Trainer has shown me in my journey towards a healthy mind as well as a healthy body.  

We started with a totally different approach than what I am used to.  In the past my trainers have focused on teaching me the best way to rid my body of excess weight and fat.  They did a good job at that specific goal.  However, they failed to address the most important part.  They failed to address the mind, body, soul connection.

Sure they had me on a regimen that included things such as yoga.  That is the fitness worlds idea of how to achieve this connection. However, according to my new Trainer they have it all backwards.  According to my new Trainer we start with the internal weight and fat girl thinking before we even start with the external weight.  It is a new approach for me and though I never know what He is going to throw my way, I am learning to follow his wisdom rather than lean on my own understanding. 

My Trainer comes highly recommended.  He is a well known Life Coach, Healer, and Great Man of Wisdom.  I have sought him out for years to help me lose weight but I was on a waiting list.........I was waiting until all of the other methods available had failed me.  I was waiting until I was so desperate, so hurt, and so lost, that I was finally ready to listen.  I was waiting for the world to come up with an easier, faster solution that made me feel in control and independent. When all of my waiting was over.....He was there....waiting for me with open arms and a simple first step........

"Return to your writing", He said.

  "I would love to start writing again." I said, "but how am I supposed to do that?  I already have to get up early if I want to get a workout in before my day gets turned over to my job, my family, and all of my other obligations.  Not only do I need time to write, but I need time to prepare.  I need time in prayer.  Time in the Word.  There is no way I can do this.  You know I cannot write in the evening.  It just doesn't work the same.  There is just no way."

"Return to your writing".

"So let me get this straight.  I come to you on my knees, begging....pleading with you to help me lose weight....and the first thing you tell me to do is to quit working out in the morning and start writing instead?"

"Trust me.  Return to your writing."

This was confirmation to what my Trainer had been telling me in the days leading up to this moment.  Before He spoke with me directly he had others plant seeds into my heart regarding my writing.

I received a note of encouragement in an early birthday card from a friend.  In it she wrote that she loves my writing because it "makes her feel normal".  I laughed for many days thinking "yeah- compared to what a messed up crazy nut I have been all year long, I bet I make others feel normal".  Now I know that is not what she meant.  I know she was referring to the fact that I often share the very heart of what many women feel and dare not share.  But at the time, I was knee deep in self loathing so I took the compliment and made it all about my current state of crazy.

My heart longed to start writing but I truly felt as though I had nothing to write about.  I was too messed up to offer up any wisdom or insight into the goodness of God.  I still believed God was good.  I just believed that my bad currently outweighed His good.

For a couple of weeks there were a series of odd moments in which me being a writer and teacher would come up in conversation.  Not having the heart to let everyone know that I had lost my anointing and been demoted I played along and told them how I was currently unable to write because of my hectic schedule.  Every mention of my writing made my heart ache for my writing.  Ache for my mornings with the Lord.  Ache for the crazy work of the Holy Spirit that guides my writing to the extent that when I go back and read it I don't remember what I have written and think "Wow!  That is good stuff!"  I laugh because it is proof that it is not from me. 

The Saturday before my big moment with Lord Trainer I went to a boutique open house.  I didn't have any money to purchase anything but I wanted to go to show support for my friend.  To be honest with you I really didn't feel like going.  It was cold and rainy and I was weary from another week of not living the life I felt I was born to live.  I wanted to stay home on the couch in my sweats and read my new royal fiction novel.  (for those of you who know me well you know that this is most out of character...for I never read for pleasure!  It is however one of the few good things that I have allowed myself recently)

My 8 year old daughter asked me "Mom?  If you don't want to go then why are you going?"  "Well sweetie, as you get older you will understand that sometimes we need to put those we love ahead of how we feel.  I am choosing to go because I want to show my friend my support for her business.  It will mean a lot to her.  Even though I do not feel like going, I will feel better once I have gone because I will know that it will have blessed her." 

I bet the angels in heaven were all giggling and jumping up in down in excitement at that interaction....that is if the Lord had shared with them how he was going to bless me for having the desire to set my feelings aside and bless another one of his daughters that day......

You see, when I got there I was excited to see that not only was my friend there, but also 2 other women that have been a blessing in my life over the years.  They were all in separate rooms promoting their own individual businesses.  I mention this to point out the fact that none of them could hear the conversations we were having with one another.

With each room came a conversation of my writing.  I felt my level or frustration and irritation rise with each mention.  I may have even been a little defensive explaining all of the things I have to do in the morning and how my job has pretty much ruined my life.  The response from one friend was "Well Yeah.....that's because it is what you were born to do!"

  Screeeeeeeech......slam on the brakes........in my heart it echoed and rebounded "It is what you were born to do!" "It was what you were born to do!"

Another friend told me what a blessing I was.  I laughed and said "That was last year.  This year I am a mess.  I sat on the sidelines watching as everyone else played the game".  She looked all confused and said "It never showed.  I had no idea.  I don't think you realize what an encouragement you have been to so many people.  You just don't know."

At that point the tears came as I confessed the darkest secret hurt in my heart "I am afraid that my time has come and gone.  I am afraid that is was just a season and my season is over."  Even writing it makes the tears flow down my face.  The very thought of every dream I ever had being washed away like a sand castle on the beach.  Wave by wave of disappointment rolls in and as it rolls out to sea it takes another piece of my dream castle out with it until the dream castle is unrecognizable and eventually gone completely, as if it never existed at all.

I left there crying, hurting and mad.  They had all told me "It's just a season.  It will change."  Funny they should say that when it was the second week of May and it was only 42 degrees and raining.  The longest winter season in Minnesota resembled the longest coldest darkest season in my walk with the Lord. 

I had no control over the weather.  I have come to learn that I have limited control of my life as well.  Saturday evening I pleaded with the Lord again.  But this time it was different.  I was finally ready to listen.  I was exhausted from my own weariness.  I was ready to leave all natural sense behind and receive any and all Supernatural guidance offered to me.

And the first Word I received was "Return to your writing............."

It was by faith Monday morning that I cried out in Reclamation!  I still had no idea what I was going to be writing about.  Now I feel as though I could write for days on end and still keep going.  I wish I could quit my job and write.  (I admit when I say the Lord's prayer I change the words to "and deliver me from pizza".  It makes me laugh and the Lord knows I am not being disrespectful)

Oh what a good and faithful God we serve!

It's funny to me to that the first step for me in my journey of Setting the Fat Girl Free would not include an exercise routine or at very least some type of food restriction.  I was sure I was supposed to go on a sugar fast but the Lord made it very clear to me that that was NOT the case.  (I will share that story with you tomorrow) 

Galatians 5:13 for you have been called to live in freedom! (but can I handle that?????)

Love, grace, and new and sometimes scary freedom to you all-

Jen