Good Morning Girls!  My day started out normal.  I woke up, brushed my teeth in the kitchen, had me some prayer and Bible time, and headed over to the neighbors to get them ready for school.   I knew exactly what I was going to write about today and was simply waiting to get Charley on the bus before heading to the computer.

However, as I walked home from the bus stop, something happened.  I was sideswiped by a giant snowball!  Yes- a snowball!  It was a snowball of pain, grief, and loss.  It hit me out of nowhere and it hit me hard.  My mind flooded with a million thoughts, memories, and emotions.  I suddenly felt all energy and life sucked out of me.  I walked into the house and told Tom I was going back to bed for an hour.

I lay there with the thoughts, memories, and emotions whirling about in my mind.  This week-end is Memorial Week-end.  It would be my mom and dad's 54th anniversary on the 28th.  It is my birthday on the 29th.  My 3 sisters, my mom and I are all leaving for Duluth tomorrow morning to hang out and get away.  I've been looking forward to it for months.

There's just one problem.  And that is the fact that we used to spend Memorial Week-end as a family camping.  Even though it rained 90% of the time and almost every single one of my birthday pictures has me holding an umbrella over my cake, I loved it.  Once we all got older my mom and dad started going on long vacations for their anniversary instead of camping.  I always teased them about not loving me anymore and leaving me on my birthday (even though I was in my late 20s).  They always made it up to me by taking me boating on the river or Lake Minnetonka for the day.

It wasn't just the memories and loss of my dad that flooded my mind.  It was everything.  Every single bit of drama that has been my life the last couple of years.  It was all there whirling in my head threatening to overtake me.  I thought of my life a few years ago.  I wanted it back.  I wanted to go back to when I could afford a membership at the Y.  I wanted to go back to my treadmill next to my dad where he would fill me in on what's happening around the world and within the gym itself.

I wanted to go back to when I was just a mom.  Nothing else.  No pizza sales.  No scrambling for an identity.  No "what should I do and what is my purpose" thoughts.  Just a mom.  And a wife, friend, sister, and daughter (of two parents).  It was so much simpler then.

I think of the Apostle Paul saying how he learned to be content in all circumstance.  I wish he were here.  I wish he were here so I could kick him in the shin and tell him to shut up!  Tell him he's stupid.  And wrong.  and I am sick of being content in all circumstances because all my circumstances stink right now!

I close my eyes and the tears roll and I picture myself curled up like cat on the lap of Jesus begging him to scratch me behind the ears and make me feel loved.

I drift in and out of sleep as thoughts roll through my mind.  I think of heaven.  I think of a life with no pain and sorrow.  I think of seeing everyone I ever loved.  I think of a life where it's all good all the time.  But it's not enough.  Today, at that moment it is not enough.  It is not enough because I am not in heaven.  I am here.  On my bed.  With pain bearing so heavy on my heart that I think I may be lost forever.

I wonder if this is what David went through when he wrote his Psalms.  I definitely feel as though I am dust about ready to dry up and disappear.  I feel as though I am lost and forgotten.  Though it my darkest moment of despair I know there is something to be learned in this very moment.

Lord, what is there for me to learn in this moment?  Teach me something about myself.  Why is it that the hope of tomorrow is not enough for me today?  Why is it that though I have been in this dark place before it somehow feels totally different?  What is going on here?  I fall asleep........

I wake up a few minutes later.  I feel different.  The weight has been lifted.  The intense pain is gone.  I feel like I can proceed with my day.  That was really weird Lord.  Care to tell me what that was all about?

I read a book recently titled Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.  I liked a lot of it but there were definitely parts of it that I rolled my eyes at and gave a big "whatever" to.  One of those parts was where she talked about letting the feelings come and simply observing them.  Don't run.  Don't re-direct.  Don't escape.  Just observe them.  Observe what they look and feel like.  I thought it was kind of new agey and reminded myself that every time I read a book by a Californian author I think they all must gather and sit namaste style all day long in their fantasy Californian lives. 

But when I woke up from my nap (which was only like 15 minutes) I realized something.  I realized that feelings and memories will not overtake me.  I realized that the weight and pain that floods in once in awhile will not sink and destroy me.  I realized that if I stop and allow myself to stay there in that place and just feel, that I will survive.

I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart.  I felt him say "It is good to put your confident hope in the Lord.  It is good to look ahead with expectation.  It is good to believe that God has good plans for you.  It is good to have faith that things will work out.  BUT it is also good to learn to be present here today.  Be present in your current life no matter what it feels like. Be present in your pain.  Be present in doubt.  Be present in every thought and emotion. Your future will be blessed, but so is today."

I think I feel the Apostle paul smirking at me.  I kick him in the other shin and tell him to shut up.....but this time I am laughing........

Praise the Lord.  I am one step closer to feeling Set Free!

Love, grace, and presence in your day to you all-

Jen