Homework......
Good Morning Girls! One week ago I had enough "material" swimming through my head to write for days on end. I still do. At the same time however I am feeling done with the Fat Girl for awhile. When it's all said and done, I realize she has already been Set Free.........I just need to let her be free.
I don't know if part of me wanted to make it all more than it was....bigger than it was......more dramatic than it was. Was this simply another distraction to my life? Another attempt to make me seem special?
And though I am "special" in the eyes of the Lord, I realize that I am not special in many ways. I am not putting myself down here. I am simply saying that I have looked outside my little bubble and really seen that as women we all have pains and hurts. We have all heard unkind words spoken to us (some more than others). We all have painful memories. We all have embarrassing moments. We all have regrets.
We all feel like we can and "should" do more. We all want to be loved- by ourselves and others. We all want to be our best, do our best, look our best (sometimes to a fault). We all want to hear the words "you are beautiful" and be able to nod in agreement rather than dismiss the compliment or wonder what that crazy person wants from us.
We all want these things, even if we are afraid to admit it. And I believe we can all have these things if we are willing to let go.
Let go of the pain. Let go of the negatives. Let go of the rules given to us by the world. The lies. The pressure. The "should's" and the "can'ts". Let go of who those around you say you should or could be and simply be who you are. Be the Girl you were created to be.......and make no apologies for her!
I believe that when you feel free to be the Girl you were created to be you will want to take care of yourself. You will want to be "present". You will want to feed your body with food and your heart with love (rather than seeking food for all parts of your being). You will say no to deprivation and yes to wholeness. You will treat yourself with kindness and stop punishing your body for all of the "sins" you have committed against it.
I sound so renewed and confident don't I? In many ways I am. This is truly how I feel inside. However, in my quest to be "present" I suddenly realize that my daughter has been trying to talk to me and I have been dismissing and ignoring her because I have this very important message straight from my heart that I need to share.......NICE ONE.....
So I step away from the computer to pay attention to Charley before she is off to school. I show her the cute shirt I bought for my friend. She says "It looks too big for her. It looks like it should be for you."
The words sting and the Fat Girl screams out from within "I TOLD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" I snap at my daughter, "What do you mean? I am not bigger than her. We are the same size! You need to watch what you say." I felt irritated and frustrated.
She looked up at me and said "All I meant was that I thought it looked like the kind of shirt you like and that it would look better on you". I had broken her spirit. My sweet girl was trying to give me a compliment but my baggage.....my inability to grow up and let it go (in other words practice what I JUST PREACHED) turned her compliment into shame. My inner "weight" interferes with my present life once again.
Before she gets on the bus I try to talk to her....not really finding the right words to say. I apologize for snapping at her. I apologize for not really listening to her. Her response "It's my fault. I practically called you fat." My heart breaks and I feel like the worlds worst mom. Here I am trying so hard to protect my daughter from the childhood I had, but I'm not. She may not hear anyone tell her that she is fat, but she hears loud and clear that her mother does not approve of herself.
The danger in this is that I am not fat. I may not be at my thinnest, but I am definitely not fat. If my daughter looks at me hating myself for how I look when I actually am healthy, what message does that send her? It certainly does not send a message of self love and self acceptance. It says "You are not good enough."
An hour ago I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had let it go and was really ready to move on. However, this mornings events tell the truth. It tells me that I still have some work to do. If not for me than for my daughter. I don't want her sitting here 30 years from now writing and trying to process all of the misinformation she was given as a child. I do not want her to feel as though she will never be good enough.
It's no longer about me. It's about another Girl being raised by another insecure mom. For my daughter's sake, I will press on. I will continue to address the lies and the Liar. I will seek who I am not in a diet but in the Truth of Gods word. And while I am doing that I will treat myself with kindness....which is not easy to do as I sit here with a mountain of guilt on my heart.
Sounds like I've got my work cut out for me.......good thing I am a Fighter!
Romans 12:2 Jen Gilbert Translation
on't copy the behavior and customs of this world (that say you need to be stick thin), but let God transform you into a new person(one that is light and free on the inside) by changing the way you think (since as a Girl thinks in her heart so is she). Then you will learn to know God's will for you, (really? seriously? PLEASE let this be true!), which is good and pleasing and perfect (bring it on!).....
Love, grace, and an A+ on your homework-
Jen
ps I would like to refer you all to two women who have inspired and encouraged me. Their stories are very different but they have both shown and taught me that though our experiences are different, we all share common needs and desires. They are gifts to me and I would like to share them with you.........
www.weGETto.com
www.runtowin100lbsin118days.blogspot.com
I don't know if part of me wanted to make it all more than it was....bigger than it was......more dramatic than it was. Was this simply another distraction to my life? Another attempt to make me seem special?
And though I am "special" in the eyes of the Lord, I realize that I am not special in many ways. I am not putting myself down here. I am simply saying that I have looked outside my little bubble and really seen that as women we all have pains and hurts. We have all heard unkind words spoken to us (some more than others). We all have painful memories. We all have embarrassing moments. We all have regrets.
We all feel like we can and "should" do more. We all want to be loved- by ourselves and others. We all want to be our best, do our best, look our best (sometimes to a fault). We all want to hear the words "you are beautiful" and be able to nod in agreement rather than dismiss the compliment or wonder what that crazy person wants from us.
We all want these things, even if we are afraid to admit it. And I believe we can all have these things if we are willing to let go.
Let go of the pain. Let go of the negatives. Let go of the rules given to us by the world. The lies. The pressure. The "should's" and the "can'ts". Let go of who those around you say you should or could be and simply be who you are. Be the Girl you were created to be.......and make no apologies for her!
I believe that when you feel free to be the Girl you were created to be you will want to take care of yourself. You will want to be "present". You will want to feed your body with food and your heart with love (rather than seeking food for all parts of your being). You will say no to deprivation and yes to wholeness. You will treat yourself with kindness and stop punishing your body for all of the "sins" you have committed against it.
I sound so renewed and confident don't I? In many ways I am. This is truly how I feel inside. However, in my quest to be "present" I suddenly realize that my daughter has been trying to talk to me and I have been dismissing and ignoring her because I have this very important message straight from my heart that I need to share.......NICE ONE.....
So I step away from the computer to pay attention to Charley before she is off to school. I show her the cute shirt I bought for my friend. She says "It looks too big for her. It looks like it should be for you."
The words sting and the Fat Girl screams out from within "I TOLD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" I snap at my daughter, "What do you mean? I am not bigger than her. We are the same size! You need to watch what you say." I felt irritated and frustrated.
She looked up at me and said "All I meant was that I thought it looked like the kind of shirt you like and that it would look better on you". I had broken her spirit. My sweet girl was trying to give me a compliment but my baggage.....my inability to grow up and let it go (in other words practice what I JUST PREACHED) turned her compliment into shame. My inner "weight" interferes with my present life once again.
Before she gets on the bus I try to talk to her....not really finding the right words to say. I apologize for snapping at her. I apologize for not really listening to her. Her response "It's my fault. I practically called you fat." My heart breaks and I feel like the worlds worst mom. Here I am trying so hard to protect my daughter from the childhood I had, but I'm not. She may not hear anyone tell her that she is fat, but she hears loud and clear that her mother does not approve of herself.
The danger in this is that I am not fat. I may not be at my thinnest, but I am definitely not fat. If my daughter looks at me hating myself for how I look when I actually am healthy, what message does that send her? It certainly does not send a message of self love and self acceptance. It says "You are not good enough."
An hour ago I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had let it go and was really ready to move on. However, this mornings events tell the truth. It tells me that I still have some work to do. If not for me than for my daughter. I don't want her sitting here 30 years from now writing and trying to process all of the misinformation she was given as a child. I do not want her to feel as though she will never be good enough.
It's no longer about me. It's about another Girl being raised by another insecure mom. For my daughter's sake, I will press on. I will continue to address the lies and the Liar. I will seek who I am not in a diet but in the Truth of Gods word. And while I am doing that I will treat myself with kindness....which is not easy to do as I sit here with a mountain of guilt on my heart.
Sounds like I've got my work cut out for me.......good thing I am a Fighter!
Romans 12:2 Jen Gilbert Translation
on't copy the behavior and customs of this world (that say you need to be stick thin), but let God transform you into a new person(one that is light and free on the inside) by changing the way you think (since as a Girl thinks in her heart so is she). Then you will learn to know God's will for you, (really? seriously? PLEASE let this be true!), which is good and pleasing and perfect (bring it on!).....Love, grace, and an A+ on your homework-
Jen
ps I would like to refer you all to two women who have inspired and encouraged me. Their stories are very different but they have both shown and taught me that though our experiences are different, we all share common needs and desires. They are gifts to me and I would like to share them with you.........
www.weGETto.com
www.runtowin100lbsin118days.blogspot.com
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