Good Morning Girls!  A week ago I had me a little emotional meltdown.  It was triggered by memories of my dad along with memories of a less stressful life a couple of years ago.  It hit me out of nowhere and it hit me hard.

In the midst of this emotional crisis I had a thought.  Can you guess what it was?  If you are a normal person you won't.  You won't because I don't think the thought that occurred to me as I lay on my bed sobbing and thinking of my dad and all the stress and pressure in my life was a normal thought (so what's new right?)

The thought was: I should go on a diet.  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  Here I am laying on my bed feeling as though my heart may actually break under the heaviness and out of nowhere I think "I should go on a diet".  It was so random it snapped me out of my crisis for a moment.

"What's up with this?" I asked myself and the Lord.  I have been praying daily for insight and understanding on my thought processes.  I know my behavior and thoughts and obsession with my weight and dieting are negatively affecting my life.  I know I need to deal with it all in order to stay Free. 

It was like I was in two places at once.  Part of me was laying in bed heartbroken and the other part.....the other part was thinking of dieting......  LIGHT BULB! 

The idea of going on a diet had nothing to do with my weight!  It's not like one of those times where you try on your swimsuit and start crying and think "I should go on a diet" (I've had plenty of those moments as well).  No.  This was completely different.  I was in the midst of an emotional crisis that had nothing to do with my weight when the idea of a diet came to mind. 

I realized at that moment that my dieting life is so much more than trying to lose weight.  My dieting life is a distraction.  a distraction from pain.  A distraction from all the things that are out of my control.  A distraction from life.  A distraction from the present moment!

Diets are very seductive.  They lure me in with the promise of a better tomorrow.  They give me a sense of control.  They give me something to focus on (my portion size, my calorie count, my exercise journal) rather than the realities in my life.  My present life.  A life where I feel lost, insignificant, and helpless.

Aaaahhhhh.....but a diet gives me a sense of purpose!  I am realizing that the seduction is not the end result (because I have never once been satisfied at the end result no matter how good it is).  No.  The seduction is the process itself.  It is the feeling of knowing what I will be doing for the next 30, 60, 90, or however many days the current plan calls for.

I think that may be part of why I often sabotage the diets when I am moving along so well.  Unconsciously I start to panic at the realization that I may not need the diet anymore.  If I don't have a program to follow what will define me?  I have no purpose.  I have no plan.  I have no sense of control.  I have no escape from the present pain and frustration.

If I have no escape from the present pain and frustration I will be forced to feel everything that is happening to and around me.  It scares me.  I fear it may sink me.  It's so much easier thinking about what my life will be like "when"......rather than feeling what my life is like now.

It has taken me years to realize that the problem with escaping and distracting from the pain is that I am also distracted from the joy of my present life.  It makes sense to me now that when i really have a great time and enjoy myself, I often feel guilty after.  "It's not okay that you enjoyed that lobster ravioli.  You will suffer a consequence from that." 

If I do manage to allow myself to really enjoy my present life the moment is still not safe.  It is threatened.  It will be taken away with guilt and punishment.  It's not worth it.  To enjoy my present life has turned into a form of rebelion for which I know I will deal myself punishment for afterwards.  How very sad is that?

The good news is, I haven't given in to this great seduction!  I have to fight against it daily.  I go back and forth every day on why I should or should not "diet".  Let me tell you, it's not easy being me, myself, and I.......we are a nutso bunch that don't seem to agree on anything!

Praise the Lord!  I am still here.  I am still present.  I am feeling each and every emotion that comes my way (who knew there were so many?)  And amazing as it is......they haven't sunk me (though they have come close a couple of times).....

Galatians 5:1  So Christ has truly set us free.  Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law

Love, grace, and a seduction free day to you all (unless it's the good kind.......)-

Jen