Good Morning Girls!  Were any of you at church this weekend?  Did any of you start to wonder if Pastor Mac has been reading my blog?  He did after all cover all my "D" words yesterday (well he used despair instead of distress but I'm sure that was just because he didn't want it to be obvious that he is reading a women's blog -Lol).

He even used the final danger word I was going to write about last Wednesday.  However, I was unable to write all week.  There were a couple of reasons I was unable to, but by the end of the week the main reason I was unable to write was because I was living the hell of this final "D" word..........

Dead:
having lost life, marked for certain death, lacking feeling or sensitivity, weary and worn-out, no longer having significance or relevance, stagnant, having grown cold, having been extinguished

Once again I didn't realize just how far into the pit I had sunk.  Just like Pastor Mac said yesterday- a series of disappointments had not only robbed me of having any positive expectations anymore, I had actually started expecting the worst to happen.  Girls, when you get to that place, you no longer have a thread of hope.  It's a scary and dangerous place to be. 

Now we have had our share of huge disappointments over the last 3 years.  We have also had our share of miracles and blessings.  Last week I was unable to see the blessings.  Or maybe it's more that I saw the past blessings and was to a point where I believed they were all bestowed and it was going to be all downhill fast from here.

I arrived at that lame conclusion through a series of disappointments that hit one after another over a 5 day period.  Some were big, some were small, but by Saturday morning I had zero expectation of anything good ever truly happening to us.

I was sobbing hysterically.  Screaming, crying, cleaning the house in a frenzy of anger.  I told Tom "I quit!  I am done!  I have been a a good sport about all of this crap that has been continuously poured out on us but now I am done!  I can not take anymore.  I thought I was doing okay but the reality is I am not.  I am anxious all the time.  I hyperventilate every time I have to buy groceries, or school supplies.  I am afraid to get my Real Estate license (looooooong story here Girls....will have to tell you another day) because I am afraid I will fail again and I cannot handle one more disappointment or failure or I think I will die!"

I didn't realize I was already dead. 

I didn't realize that I had gone from knowing God was taking care of us to knowing we were never ever again going to be able to breath or rest.

I had gone from believing God had great plans for me to believing I am incapable of anything (well I am, it's all by God's grace, but somehow I forgot about Gods grace for a few days)

I had gone from what my boss refers to as "eternally optimistic" and became bitter, resentful, and afraid.

Well Praise God for blessing me with a husband like Tom (that is NOT sarcasm)!  He looked at me and sternly said, "Since when do you live in fear?!  This house does not live in fear!  I do not live in fear.  I get up every day with the odds stacked against us and I tell myself "You are not going to live in fear!" And I don't.  I don't because I can't.  If I were to give in to the fear I would have no reason to get out of bed and fight each day.  Yes, it has been one thing after another but look around Jen- we are still here!  Somehow we are still here!"

And then he said something that shocked me to the core.

"Jen, I come home every night and just want to enjoy the kids.  I want to leave my day behind and escape in time with the kids.  But to be honest with you- you stress me out!  You have this intensity about you and I know you are discouraged and depressed and I can't be any part of it.  I cannot have your fear trying to come on me!  I can't have it!  I fight off the fear every single morning and I cannot have you putting it on me!"

Ouch.

Me?  I am the one who trips him up because of my anxiousness and fear?  But I am the  spiritual one in the family -Lol!  I am the one who is always reading and writing and confessing and praying.  But he was right (and it doesn't even make me wince to say that)

It also explains a lot.  It explains why I feel as though he avoids me.  It explains why he doesn't interact much with me.  It explains why when I ask him questions about certain unpleasant things he goes straight to defensive mode.

Of course, it would have been nice for him to share this with me earlier, but I suppose he was afraid I would deny my fear and explode into a "how dare you" backlash.  To be honest with you, it wasn't until I heard myself say the words outloud that I realized I was in fact hopeless and afraid.  I was operating in fear.  And fear is the opposite of faith. 

No wonder I was depressed. 

I would like to say that the conversation with Tom was all I needed to get my head on straight, but that's not true.  I needed more.  I needed tomorrow's "D" word.......

Isaiah 41:10  Don't be afraid, for I am with you.  Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

 Love, Grace, and a very alive day to you all-
Jen