From a Whisper to a Scream

I said I was going to listen to my own advice. I was going to listen for the gentle whisper of the Lord in the decision I needed to make. I quote “I am going to resist the urge to try to figure it out. I am going to trust God’s word that says he delights in the details of my life. Most of all, I will stay in his Word. The answers to the smallest questions are often found in the perfect Word at the perfect time.

I meant it. I was not going to think about the job I was considering applying for. I was not going to churn it in my mind until it became butter. I was going to “cease striving and relax and know that He is God” as Psalm 46:10 instructs us to do.

As I laid my head on my pillow Monday night I felt as though I heard the Lord whisper to my heart and assure me that everything was going to be fine when I returned to work the next morning. I thought I had my answer. I shouldn’t apply for the job.

As I drove to work I prayed and gave myself the same motivational pep talk I often give myself on my way to work. I assured myself that it was going to be a great year. I reminded myself that reentry is always tough the first week or so returning from summer break. I couldn’t judge the year by the first week.

As I got nearer to the door I felt my steps getting heavier and heavier. I opened the door and took a few steps in. I stopped at the secretary’s desk and just stood there. One of my friends was at the desk also. I just froze. They asked what was wrong. I told them “I can’t do it. I can’t do this again. I want to get back into my car and drive home”. I stood there for a minute feeling as though I might have a panic attack.

Is that what a gentle whisper sounds like? It felt more like a violent internal scream! I just sat at my desk, staring at my computer and my blinking message light on my phone. All I kept thinking is “I can’t do it. My heart is no longer in it.”

I understand this may sound dramatic to you. I understand that many people find a job and stay there content, happy, and thankful. I admire those people. I am not one of them. I get upset with myself for not being one of them but that really does me no good. I am who I am and I need to feel passionate about the work I do and the places I spend my time and energy.

Is the extreme discontent the sound of a gentle whisper, or is it the scream of a big baby that needs to grow up, be thankful for what she has and stop sniveling? I don’t know…

I do know this. I know it says in Proverbs 16:9 A man’s mind plans his way [as he journeys through life] But the LORD directs his steps and establishes them.

Sometimes we don’t hear the gentle whisper because our own desires are screaming too loud. Sometimes the screaming desires are the ones the Lord has given us and that is in fact what is directing us. I know it is confusing. I wish it was as neat and tidy as I made it seem on Monday. It’s not. Sometimes faith is messy, and confusing, and try as we might we just do not know 100% what we are supposed to do.

Here’s what I do know. I know God is good and He loves us even when we aren’t sure which end is up. He knows our heart and if we make a move in error He will bring us back to our proper path. He will not let us go astray to “teach us a lesson”. If we diligently seek Him and are unsure, we simply make plans as best we can as we journey through life, and trust that He will direct and establish our steps.

I applied for the job. I am excited and nervous. My friend and I prayed prior to hitting the submit button that God would open the door if it is right and close it if it is incorrect. If I missed the whisper then I trust He will give me fresh grace for another year right where I am at.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me. Thank you for directing and establishing my steps. Thank you for your Word that promises you will bring us to the proper path and plan for our lives. Thank you for bringing me peace in the process. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Love, Grace, and Established Steps For Us All,

Jen

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Jen, I am dying to hear what job you applied for. I too will pray for this door to open if in fact that is the next piece to your puzzle and to close the door if this piece does not belong to your puzzle. I know someday your puzzle will be complete. Your faith and your journey in your faith is inspiring and I learn so much for you and someday your puzzle will be complete and your purpose will be picture perfect.

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